Pastry Chef Heather Bertinetti (you’ll find her raising souffles at Crown on Manhattan’s Upper East Side) has watched and analyzed that sugary blight of a television bake-off program, “Cupcake Wars” (a Food Network production), like a sports commentator would a big game. After she identified each of the archetypal high-on-frosting participants, I realized she was both correct, and a closet comedienne. Based on her descriptions, I’ve arranged the following perpetual (swap out the players, but the roles never change) cast of cupcake-y characters and given them what, in the moment, felt like fitting names. That way, if any of you has thought about auditioning for a slot, you’ll know how to present yourself.
Krissy, “a cute young girl that’s very pretty that wears the pink apron and she’s very bubbly and kind of new to the game.”
Dot, “the older lady that’s like a mom and probably has a grandchild on the way and has been making cakes for years and she’s just so talented in her flower making.”
Mike, “the guy with the tattoos and the gelled haircut who’s the rocker, and has the motto ‘I’m a bad-ass … and my cake’s going to be black and tattooed up.’”
Brice, “the token gay guy that’s flamboyant and crying with the drama.”